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1 week on

It's a week since I made this commitment. Of course I did have a little wobble but it didn't feel like I was right back to square one because I had achieved something in those first booze free days. And learned something both about myself and sobriety.
Today was a busy one rushing around with the kids, but this evening I had some time. I love to faff around in the kitchen at the weekend when there's no rush. Cooking things Mr P does not wish to eat, moshing away to a playlist of Linkin Park, Rage Against the Machine and such like with a glass of wine in hand. Well I did exactly that tonight, except the wine was AF. And the result was exactly the same! I still enjoyed myself, it was still a nice way to relax and the food was still tasty! (Avocado rice and refried beans in case you wondered).

It's ridiculous that it's taken me this long to really understand that the drink in the glass doesn't have to affect the enjoyment of the activity.
So my week one observati…
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Day 1 - take 2

Last night was a very rare night away for me and Mr P, childfree. There were some bumps along the way, our romantic getaway to beautiful Buxton started with about 0% visibility due to fog and a "closed" camping area due to snow and a frozen toilet.

Safe to say I had a bit of monk on. In the end the landlord of the pub managed to sort the toilets (and the emergency electrician he called out confirmed we were unlikely to combust overnight from dodgy hookup point). Visibility became less of an issue once the sun set too, But by this point Mr P had coaxed me into a wine to help me shake off my mardy bum (And mardy face I imagine!)

I hadn't really talked to him seriously about where I was at with alcohol but ironically, over a large Merlot (for me) and a pint of bitter (him) I was able to talk frankly about it. The alcohol was a bad idea, but the chat was not. He has never had this kind of issue with booze so doesnt REALLY get it but is supportive nonetheless. So no more snea…

Faking it?

Today has been full of irritability. I blamed sobriety for that for a good portion of the day until I realised that it was really just that work sucked! It doesn't always, but I was out of the office yesterday and am on leave tomorrow, so today was like 3 days in 1! I really did hate everyone though! And I guess it's ok to have crappy days, it's not always because I'm not drinking. In fact, if I'd had that bottle of wine last night I'm sure today would have been way more stressful and less productive. But when my colleague suggested "going home for a bucket of wine" I have to admit I was tempted!

When I got home I took the dog for a brisk, stompy walk to get rid of some of the tetchiness. I even treated myself to a caramac for the road. It helped. But even though I know alcohol does NOTHING good for me, I missed it a bit.

I decided to spend my wine monies on alternative treats; skittles, bubble bath, Galaxy hot chocolate, and some Alcohol Free wine.

I…

Crushed the post work craving

Today has been LONG.

Set off at 6am, for an 8 hour round trip with a 4 hour meeting in the middle. Most of the journey was spent listening to my Sober Diaries audiobook which I would highly recommend. Very relatable!!

I got home, having luckily not had to stop off at a shop, before realising I'd not bought wine and not even paused to consider it. This is exactly the sort of day which usually results in me sinking a bottle of red because "I deserve it" "it's been a killer day" in fact I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T reward a long work trip with wine. Success!! Go me!! I felt like a bit of a hero walking in the door planning cocoa and a biscuit!

Now, I actually would LOVE a drink. But at the same time I can look at this objectively and say, what exactly is the reward?! A bad nights sleep and a stressful slightly hungover day tomorrow? That's not a treat.

I've promised myself not to moan aloud about missing wine, which is what happens e…

Sober support

I decided that yesterday would indeed be Day 1. Do I need to count? Am I making this a bigger deal than it needs to be? Maybe. But a lot of things I've read talk about quitting for 100 days. It's long enough to see a difference and decide if it's worth sticking with.

I went out last night. For a friend's birthday who I'm not used to drinking with anyway, and I had already agreed to drive which meant not drinking wasn't really questioned. I thought about drinking a bit while we were out, but it was ok! I had a nice time, and although I did feel a bit awkward and self conscious that's a perfectly normal reaction to being in a new place with people I didn't know. Maybe those kind of situations get easier as they're handled without the social lubrication of wine.

Miss Poppins was a bit upset when I got in, we had a bit of an argue and a bit of a cuddle. I'm really glad I was sober for that, it wouldn't have felt nice trying to comfort her in a slu…

Standing at the precipice

Well. Turns out yesterday was not Day 1.

I came home from work feeling... bereft. I'm certain this was in part due to my plan for alcohol free living. I was tired, hormonal, and probably wobbling due to the effects of last nights prosecco. But I was also feeling overwhelmed at the emptiness of the weekend, and beyond. If I'm not going to spend my evenings relaxing with a glass of Merlot, who even am I and what am I going to do? It almost felt like a burden of responsibility to decide what to DO with this new 'freedom'. And I felt vulnerable without it. Like wine had become a safety blanket, something to snuggle into and hide behind. I'm not sure what I'm hiding from exactly, but I felt exposed at the idea of being long term booze free. The hangover also feeds the need and by the time I went shopping at 9pm, it was a done deal. Who stops drinking on a Friday anyway?

I know that Les feels like I'm making a big deal over nothing. He said I should just cut down.…

Fear and self loathing

I hate myself. Not really in a "we should talk to someone" way. But more of a hungover, why-drink-on-a-school-night way.
I shared 3 bottles of prosecco with my friend last night, we had a great time catching up. Then I came home in time to say night to the kids, stuff crisps in my face, stare at Facebook for an hour, then crash.
Sleep came quickly but it was fitful and my dreams were frankly weird and disturbing. I woke at least 4 times. Usually the dull sick feeling accompanied by a mouth so dry I couldn't swallow properly. I tripped back and forth to the toilet and to top up my water. When I'm at work I'll blame my tiredness on the fact that Sophie hasn't been well all week, but that's a lie. She's slept fine since Wednesday night, this one is on me.
Waking to my alarm was not pleasant. My eyes felt heavy, my bones felt tired, my head aches, stomach churns and I have an unwarranted and inexplicable fear in the pit of my stomach that rises into my c…